A Part of Creation
A few days ago a friend of mine was asking about my pregnancy. Being 7 months along the questions were all pretty standard at this point, along with some standard answers. Then she asked me a question that really caught me off guard. She asked, “How has being pregnant changed your relationship with God?” Wow. That was a tough one. Not because I didn’t have an answer but because I wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear a two-hour presentation. I answered her in the most simple way I could think of and then promised to blog about it with a full answer… so here we go!
I found out I was pregnant in mid-November. The second that I saw that the test was positive I was sure that there had to be some mistake. Not like “ah, this baby is a mistake” but more like “this must be a faulty test because I can’t believe that God would bless me like this” mistake. I took like 10 pictures of the pregnancy test because I was so scared to wake up in the morning and realize that I was dreaming. Needless to say, the next morning the test and the pictures were all still there and more pregnancy tests confirmed that I was, in fact, carrying life inside of me.
From that moment on, the life of a woman changes. There is suddenly a sacredness to everything you do. The way you feel and the way you act are all affected by the sudden responsibility. I felt so close to God and honored that He would allow me to take part in His creation of another human being. Suddenly I felt more connected to all of His creations. I wanted to find a beach and stick my toes in the sand while feeling the sea breeze. I wanted to hike a mountain and breath in all the pine tree smells. I was happy with just laying in the grass and staring into the big, blue sky. The world around me was more beautiful than I had ever seen it. I was amazed at what God simply created around and within me.
The pregnancy continued to be pretty routine. I thanked God for everyday that went by without any problems. Finally the time came to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. The baby was being incredibly stubborn and would not show the technician anything! We either had a very modest girl or a very stubborn boy on the way. This, however, quickly became our least concern. The technician brought in the doctor to look around the ultrasound. In a very calm voice the doctor explained that she had noticed that the baby’s kidneys were a little swollen. She said that this is actually common in boys and usually works itself out, however, it can also be a marker for Down Syndrome. She told us that most likely it would work itself out but even still she had to tell us what else it could mean. My heart dropped. She kept telling me not to worry but it was no use. As a mother, my heart was already in so much pain. It wasn’t that I was upset or worried about having a Down Syndrome child, it was just that I couldn’t bear the thought of my child having to bear so much pain so soon after birth. Already I was willing to give my life for my baby, to shield them from any pain and suffering and take it all on myself. In that moment I had never felt closer to Our Lady. She watched the passion of her Son and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She would have given anything to take his pain away but she couldn’t. She just has to trust in God’s plan for her son. I had to do the same thing. I ran to Mary and told her to take care of my little baby.
Another month down the road we knew it was a boy and on the follow-up ultrasound the kidney’s were just fine. There was much relief in hearing the news but the entire situation had really changed the pregnancy for me. It forced me to trust in God. He had blessed me with this beautiful baby boy and my job was to love him and give him over to God. It doesn’t matter that I still don’t have the baby’s room ready, or that his room is actually the office, God will provide. It doesn’t matter that I’m scared to death of possibly birthing a 10 lb. baby, God will give me the strength I need. It doesn’t matter that people ask “do you really only have one baby in there” or say “you look like I’m going to pop any day” (2 months to go people!), God will call Peter into the world when He ordains it.
This blog post is by no means supposed to insinuate that I have this whole parenting thing figured out, because I know that I don’t. I realize that this is just the very beginning of new chapter in my life that my husband and I get to share.